I realised something yesterday. I am a FIGHTER. I don’t need a stupid boy who forgot my worth to define me. I have fought much harder battles and won them all. I am stronger and braver than I think.
The air was brisk. As soon as she put her car into gear the tears began to fall. Those tears that she had held back all day, all week, feel like banked up waterfalls that were about to burst. For thirty minuets - the time it took for her to drive home - she cried.
WHY GOD WHY?
WHY DID HE LEAVE ME GOD?
DID I HEAR YOU WRONG?
YOU SAID HE WAS MY HUSBAND!
and she cried and cried and cried. I just have to get home, she thought. I just have to get home. I’ll never forget you by Birdy was playing.
When she drove her car into the driveway she let the flood inside her burst. Crawling up I’m a bawl she shook with deep hurt crawling out of her.
WHY GOD WHY???!!!!
WHY DID HE LEAVE ME???!!
She pushed the car seat back and smothered her face in the car seat. The tears rushed out of her. All she felt was a deep bitter sadness in which she didn’t know that should could get out of.
But what if I don’t want to be strong anymore? I’m tired of being brave. Being told I have “courage” that I reflect “happiness”. I am none of these. All I am is sad. He left me and now I’m this walking empty shell trying to fill myself but I keep pouring out. He was my everything but maybe that was exactly the problem. Now I’m just this ghost haunted by the people I find myself next to.
I try my best to keep myself busy but to be honest I am just sad. I can’t remember the last time I was this sad. All I want to do is cry and cry and cry but I’m trying to push forward and put on a brave face.
I’m just sad.
We broke up.
He changed his mind.
And know I am empty, lost and don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m hurting so much right now. I feel as if everything isn’t real any more. How can you be so sure you’re going to be with someone forever, being convicted of it, and then one day turn around and say you don’t know what you want any more?
I just don’t know what to do. I’ve cried all weekend. Yesterday, was the worst day. It’s like someone has punched a hole in my stomach. I’ve vomited and my nose has bled. I feel sick. Nothing is what it seemed to be. Where did I go so wrong?
Their voices swarm around my head in class. Licking their lips, snickering at the sight of me.
“Get skinnier!” They shout.
“Look see you nailed that move because you haven’t been eating.”
“Ah you screwed that one up! That was the lunch you ate.”
“See how much easier it is when you are with us?”
“Don’t tell Emma we are back! That’s how you ruined everything last time. Keep your mouth shut.”
“Fatty fatty fatty.”
I eat a chocolate… “Spit it out!” … So I did.
"Prove to them how much stronger you really are."
You an never win
Whenever the sky is full about to release its tears I begin to think. The wind is quiet, the air above me is still and there is a cold eerie silence that whispers to me. I can’t quite put it down to one thing. Perhaps it is the song Skinny Love that plays through my iPod or Ed Sheeran singing through my veins. It only ever happens on these cold early winter days that I begin to think. I think about the place I was a year and a bit ago. I think about how dark it was. I think about the voices. I think about the train song
clickty clack clickty clack
and I wonder how I got out of it
and what it would be like to go back …