I’m hurting so much right now. I feel as if everything isn’t real any more. How can you be so sure you’re going to be with someone forever, being convicted of it, and then one day turn around and say you don’t know what you want any more?
I just don’t know what to do. I’ve cried all weekend. Yesterday, was the worst day. It’s like someone has punched a hole in my stomach. I’ve vomited and my nose has bled. I feel sick. Nothing is what it seemed to be. Where did I go so wrong?
Their voices swarm around my head in class. Licking their lips, snickering at the sight of me.
“Get skinnier!” They shout.
“Look see you nailed that move because you haven’t been eating.”
“Ah you screwed that one up! That was the lunch you ate.”
“See how much easier it is when you are with us?”
“Don’t tell Emma we are back! That’s how you ruined everything last time. Keep your mouth shut.”
“Fatty fatty fatty.”
I eat a chocolate… “Spit it out!” … So I did.
"Prove to them how much stronger you really are."
You an never win
Whenever the sky is full about to release its tears I begin to think. The wind is quiet, the air above me is still and there is a cold eerie silence that whispers to me. I can’t quite put it down to one thing. Perhaps it is the song Skinny Love that plays through my iPod or Ed Sheeran singing through my veins. It only ever happens on these cold early winter days that I begin to think. I think about the place I was a year and a bit ago. I think about how dark it was. I think about the voices. I think about the train song
clickty clack clickty clack
and I wonder how I got out of it
and what it would be like to go back …
I know it is selfish of me. And I am not saying I am unhappy. Also I’m not advocating anything at all here. But I have to be honest, putting on a few kilos (I have no idea maybe 3-4) over these holidays irritates me. I feel like a lumpy bum. Haha. I know we all feel this way but it honestly makes me think, why do I feel this way? I’m not fat nor am I too skinny. I’m an ‘ideal weight’ for most people. Gosh, I don’t know how the Kardashians do it. They are definitely not fat, they’re gorgeous! They look happy, so why can’t I shake this niggling?a
This week I met a girl who pulled out a diary and was tracking everything she ate each day. When I asked her why she said it just helps her keep track of the type of stuff that she eats and how much she spends on food. At first I thought it was a good idea, keeping you aware of the type of foods you are fueling your body with, but then I realized something - I couldn’t do that again. I could never go back to being so controlled by food that I had to right everything down.
Recently I have been thinking this past week about going back. About starting over. About entering into the land of in between again. I feel like I am edging back to the borders. I don’t want to go back, but everything seems a little hazy and I can hear the train calling, playing its whistle tune again, and I don’t know how to stop it.
14 days. 2 weeks. 1 year.
That was the date when my life dramatically changed forever. With my disorder I had walked so far away from God. I was surrounded by such darkness and the only way I can describe to you my mental health was that I was just ‘floating’. I was neither here nor there. I was engulfed in another world that was fuelled with anger and hatred towards myself, my body. With that came distrust of all people as well as striving to be perfect. All I craved with my entire being was perfection. I had climbed down a rabbit hole that just kept on getting darker and darker as I fell closer to the bottom.
However, one morning, the 28th of September 2012, I had an encounter with God that changed my life. All I can say was that this burden I had been trying to face in my own strength I gave to God. In an instance I felt my darkness lift off me. I was surrounded by inexplicable joy and light. I was healed in an instant. Although, it has since been a journey in re-discovering who I am. I was healed, but God had to teach me a lot more about who He saw me as. Nowadays I don’t ground my value in the world of magazines, blogs and friends. My value is found in the word of God, which is truth, and gives life.
I have since discovered many new passions, done things I never thought I could do and made valuable friendships along the way. I used to be so afraid of public speaking but I have since told my testimony not once, but twice in a big setting. Plus I have written a book. For a long period of time I thought I was going to die, I only wanted to die, it was my single wish. But now, now I see that life has so much more to offer. It’s the simple things: the sun rising in the morning, the smell of fresh air in the change of seasons, a smile, a kid playing games with no worries at all. Life has so much more to offer than what you think. So brush off the darkness, clear your mind, try something new, get up and say: Today I am going to have a good day! - it can make the world of difference.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” - Matthew 11:28-29
I just feel sad
I said “I love you” and he said “I love you too.”