thesebutterflybones
Angel. 21.

Her name was Ana and I was once entangled in her web of lies. However, I am so lucky to be alive now, by the grace of God, and I feel more free than I ever have before. But there is hope, for all of you, and there is a beauty in this crazy thing we call life.

I am just a girl who is in love with beautiful photography, obsessed with staying dance and just happens have recovered from an eating disorder. It took a long time, it was a journey but God has brought me into this glorious light.

I hope that my journey can be an example of hope and light to all of you who stumble across this blog and feel the way I used to feel. You can get out of the entangled web of lies that she weaves. You can get better, you will get better. Please, know that there is light to the end of the tunnel.

God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. - 1 John 1:5

Yes, some people say to me you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that. – Karl Lagerfeld

Welcome to my journey.
07:37

I don’t live by any diet rules now. I live by the pure fact of feeding my body with the right nutrients. That means for breakfast I have fibre, for lunch I eat wholegrain carbs or whole wheat crackers, for dinner I have a full meal that includes meat and vegetables. I eat my three fruits a day and more if I feel like it. I don’t have ‘cheat days’ but simply when I feel like chocolate or sweets I will eat it. When I want a burger I’ll  had a burger! The key to this is simply: moderation. You don’t need to go on a diet because instantly your brain tells your body to store up all your food in your fat cells because it can sense ‘starvation mode’ because that is essentially what you are doing starving your body of something. So eat well. Live simply. And breathe, take in everything life has to offer. You are not what you weigh. Your weight does not define your beauty. 

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

10:36
Musings

A Little Update:

I recently received a message in my inbox asking me why I have been so quite lately. I suppose I have been, August has been an interesting month with many things running through my mind. 

I guess mostly my time is taken up with many other different things. I’m so busy in terms of college - it’s like non stop 4 days a week. Also I am in a new relationship and learning many new things about myself that I didn’t know before. It’s really a different thing being in a relationship especially after you have been recovering from an ED. But the guy that I am with is so lovely. He is so supportive and honestly cares about me. Everything I asked God for He gave me in him. Of course he is not perfect but then again who is? So yeah, I guess you could say I am happy.

Also in the past 4 weeks I have been dealing with a lot more anxiety than usual. I’ve had many panic attacks that just come out of no where. I took myself back to a doctor, this time I different one, a woman, because I think you should feel comfortable with your doctors. I’m probably going to go see my psychologist from last year again as I think its a good idea but that’s for another day, perhaps next week, this week is so busy! 

I also sent my book into a publisher, so hopefully I will hear something about that in a couple of months.

God is always sovereign throughout it all. There was a period of time where I just sort of felt lost. I knew He was there but there were certain things I had prayed for and declared but then they didn’t come to pass and to be honest I was disappointed and confused. And the enemy is so quick to come and tell you how God has deserted you when that isn’t the case. But I continued to seek Him and now those things I prayed for are coming to pass. Even when God is silent it doesn’t mean that He isn’t there, He just doesn’t need to say anything yet, but He will. 

So I hope this helps you all. It’s just a little life update. But yeah, message me any time <3

Love you all

Angel

x

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

19:39

Anxiety sucks. I forget to breathe sometimes. Panic attacks just strike me at random times and all I want to do is run away because I feel that everyone is disappointed in me. Like I can never do anything right.

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

22:50

The darkness entangles itself around me. I cannot shake it off. I close my eyes willing it to go away but it does not cease. Instead it only persists. I just want to drown myself, or swallow a bottle of pills. I just want to sleep forever. This sadness, it comes and goes but it gets deeper each time. The pressure of the on-goings of my life weighs upon me and my anxious mind goes through various scenarios filled with fear. I just want to sleep forever to escape from the empty hell inside my head.

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

16:37

It’s just this hollowness that washes up on my shore at random periods of time. I cannot tell you when it will come, but when it arrives, I feel empty and numb. As if everything I once existed for is gone for a moment. 

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

19:38

4.30 am

This time it is different. The voice, one, is more sinister. Like a stuck up American teenager that is portrayed in all the movies.

Just swallow the bunch of pills. It will take all your worries away. It’s not that hard, easy like one, two, three oops. I promise, you’ll just go to sleep.

But I can’t because the running movie in my head shows my parents finding me, Emma worried, my friends shocked and unsure and they guy I’m falling in love with crushed. I can’t, it takes everything within me to resist the voice. To tell it that they are lying. That it is just the devils schemes again. Yet, I can sometimes feel this darkness that lurks in the corners as I sleep and hovers whilst I am waking.

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

14:24

All I wanted was to be weightless, to be completely empty. I wanted to feel absolutely nothing. 

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

13:54

If there is one thing any girl in the world wants to be, it is to be called - beautiful. 

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

22:08

The tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn’t explain why or how they came to be. I was just sad, and that sadness welled up inside of me like a big balloon waiting to burst into a million pieces, leaving me to clean up the mess with no idea where to start.

(Source: thesebutterflybones)

23:22

My ideal was: thin. And if I was thin, I had to be thinner. 

(Source: thesebutterflybones)